name

now i'm randy. and it means 'horny' in british slang. how cool is that.

bad

sometimes i really can't tell who i really am. i try to be the nice person. but the ugly tail keeps showing. and i suspect it could be the real me underneath the mantle. in all my twenty years of life i was a good mommy's boy. but it's too bad that i have some decaying morals.

and it sucks when you have to play by others' rules. why is it that i have to keep people around me happy and all, when they don't give a shit about how i feel? how many of my friends are really friends? or am i just another person for them to make use of? then kick me aside when they're done.

it feels good when you drown yourself out. then you're numb and can't feel a thing. no pain, no tire, no worries. even when the whole world hates you, you don't have to care. but that is so pathetic. i guess that's why some people would then breakdown and cry. when they realise how fucked up their lives are.

and i just realised i'm quite fucked up too. my life is so empty. it might have been slightly better if at least my wallet isn't so empty as well.

bad mood

i used to think that i am in control. but i am not. i bottle up the stuff i want to say and the frustrations i feel each day, and it feels so awful inside like it's going to explode.

it is very sickening to be where i am. treated as inferior to the others, watched as i take each and every step. maybe everyone else is in such shit too. maybe that's why the world is ill, and its people sick.

seriously i've had fucking enough. next time anyone else messes with me he'll get one warning and if he speaks one word more he can taste some knuckles.

future

along the way i think i have lost my direction. i was never the kind who had a plan. i survived thus far without ever stopping to think over what i really want. even when i tried, it was more of a master plan of life that i am expected to live. but is that really what i wish for myself? it's hard to say now.

i once thought that i would plough through school, earn a degree and maybe a girlfriend at the same time, then secure an office job, get married by thirty years old, have two sons, blah blah. so typical. would it happen? it's difficult to imagine. now i can't even know for sure whether my tertiery education would work out. i mean, it is good enough for me, but is it good enough for the others? it's so hard to live with all these expectations. i've written something similar to this before. yet until now, i have not learnt how to live with it. shame on me.

reboot

i think this is the second time that i'm deleting all the posts and starting anew.

somewhere along the way, this blog has lost its meaning. a blog should be like a diary. no obligations to write anything, nor any restrictions. day to day life already has too much of these.