burnt out

i am feeling very tired all of a sudden. like, nothing is actually going wrong. neither you nor i have changed. but i just feel so exhausted.

good

i don't know exactly what happened. but the past 3 weeks could have been the best three weeks of my life so far. had more fun than i did in the past year. and now i guess i have found that motivation again. to become better as a person. and although i have been messing up my life a little, by missing the bursary application date and missing my quiz, i believe somehow things will work themselves out like they always do. i guess all i have to do now is to fulfil my part by planning ahead a little, studying much more, and to love and treasure her with my all.

square one

back to square one. now i am just the same old self again.

well, maybe except i am feeling a little more motivated towards myself. bought an instax camera. to capture the moments that may be gone soon enough. bought an iphone, like finally. bought myself a tiny terrarium. bought new spectacles. keeping a goatee, at least until i feel like shaving it clean off again. bought a skateboard. then now some hybrid between a skateboard and a longboard.

i guess i just want changes in my life. especially when i am feeling down. would be better to have some things else to keep the mind occupied. but actually, in the wee hours like now, nothing much works.

valentine's day

my twenty-third valentine's day. the second time that it meant something. the first was with my then girlfriend. this second one is with myself. i thought that i had found happiness, but no, happiness has not found me yet. do you know how much it hurts to see the people around you all smiling but there you are faking a smile. can someone make me happy please. well wait actually i found that someone. but too bad. too bad.

sometimes when i'm happy i like to drink. and usually when i'm sad, too. because chemically, alcohol liberates you. it amplifies whatever you are feeling. so if you are truly happy, you will laugh like never before. if you are sad, you will cry. if you are feigning happiness, you may still be able to fake that laughter, but after a few more rounds, it will show.

i'm tired. really really tired.

butterflies

i had always felt that i have lost my capacity to love, and even my right to love. you would know why.

and all these happened so fast. like, out of nowhere. such that i don't blame her for being afraid to commit to anything as of now. i'm afraid too. of so many things. one of which is that the 'she' that i often write about would now refer to a different person. i thought i had easily let go. and indeed i lived as though everything never happened. yet as i had realised, one's past always sits quietly in one corner of one's mind until that moment when one is down and alone and vulnerable when it decides to come out of hiding.

my birthday just passed recently. many things happened around that day, which made me re-think my actions and beliefs. i always thought that anything can be sorted out as long as there is communication. however, i guess it requires a willingness to communicate on both parts. that is, regardless of which party is in the wrong. and i felt so bad inside for disappointing somebody that i care about. like, actually we can find a thousand excuses, however convincing they sound even to ourselves, to revert back to our old habits. while likewise, we can also find a thousand reasons for change. i hope to change. now that i have found the motivation.

motivation

i feel like i really need some motivation now. managed to accomplish quite a few things lately. one being my driving test. it had dragged on for far too long, and getting it done and over with felt really wonderful. the feeling that one's effort over all these months having finally paid off. even beats the actual achievement itself. yet strangely now it feels as if i have been burnt out of all my motivation. which is badly needed for my studies.

and i am really going to cut down on that one vice. even though nobody around me seems to believe my determination to do it anymore. and sometimes i am starting to doubt it as well. but it feels like a good time and opportunity to give it up once and for all.

back for now

after a long hiatus, i'm finally back here. some things are better written here than told to others, i guess.

first semester was a disaster. not unexpected, but still, i would have liked for my luck to tide me through yet again. but it didn't. this semester feels like a new start. so many more commitments, some of which i had never imagined myself in. i wonder would these somehow motivate me to be more consistent in my academics. guess i would have to make things work one way or another.

and on a sidenote, i never wanted something so badly. i don't know why either. in the distant past, i never had any. and it has always made me doubt myself. am i too inadequate. then out of nowhere, things happened and i was blown away. quite. things were somewhat easier than i had always imagined, and that gave me that little bit of confidence which i never really had before. and bam, i am now in university and it feels as if i am back to square one. been trying to sum up all my previous failures and, if i can call them that, successes. hopefully something good will come out of this. because, i seriously have no idea why, but i really want it. and that's strange.

all being said for now. and it still feels good being back here. writing down my thoughts.

lessons learnt

from now on, as long as blogger lives on, i swear to never erase any entries again. did it once before. and immature as the previous entries were, they still had their purpose of existence.

i left her, last month, and this time i guess it is for good. it was not meant to work out from the beginning. we made it work for the past one and a half years, but i am not sure if i can go on forever.

the good times were good. i enjoy making my loved ones happy, and enjoy seeing you happy. i like how easy it is to make you happy, when you could be made happy, maybe it was because you loved me. i dislike how i could not make you happy, when you are filled with anger towards other things. come to think of it, i am the same too, isn't it? maybe that is what scares me the most. you also said before, about us being two people with equally bad temper. we tried to accomodate to each other, but wasn't it hard? i don't wish to rake up the past anymore either. it has passed and i think we should just make the best of our lives from now on. so that everything would have been worth it, right? these days, when sometimes i really feel down, i did have the thought of going back to you. but rationally, i know even if you do take me back, it would never be fair to you. and moreover if somehow we work out again, you would only feel more uneasy, trying to anticipate when the next breakup is coming again, even if it might not be true. like you had text-ed me, pretending that everything was fine, we could well sit down and talk about the old times like old friends someday. i hope for that day to come eventually.

long break

oops. before i knew it, i've taken too long a break from this place. and looking back now, some things that could have been worth writing about, just seem too trivial or too much a thing of the past. that is just how things work i guess. what once seemed important may just one day lose its significance with time. and it may not even be anybody's fault. it just happened.

these few weeks, i am having a bit of a situation with myself. guess i am kind of lost. should i leave or should i stay? which would be best for me and for her? i don't know. i don't know how it would end, but i hope it would go down the path where we would regret it the least. guess that is part and parcel of life too. at a crossroad where you have got to choose, should you go left or go right? nobody knows. you can't see any further than your eyes can or that your mind can imagine. are you absolutely sure that you want to head down this way? now you don't know and you're confused. well all you can do is go the way that seems right at that point in time. and further down you may have a u-turn, a de-tour, or a dead end. your best bet is to keep moving and keep telling yourself that yes, this is the right way.

untitled

after one year with her, it feels as though i have gone through everything there is to a relationship. the joys, uncertainties, doubts, insecurities, promises, frights, fights, time-outs, slammed phones, screaming, patch-up's, debates, surprises, misunderstandings, giving in, cuddles, kisses, hugs, tears, worries, and much much more that i can't put into words for now. it feels as though time has passed too fast, yet as though we had spent forever with each other.

i am not a good person. i'm often angry, selfish, scheming, hypocritical, crude, pessimistic. and i am not proud of it. i don't think anyone was born like that, it is just an acquired condition. if i could, i would be a nice generous loving naive person. but i can't because i had enough of being lousy and weak and made use of. i don't know how someone can fall in love with the real me. or the fake me. i don't know which i am anymore. but to my girl i know i am both. sorry for putting you through all that. and you will be my girl, regardless of your looks your shape your wealth your health your age your whatever. i don't know how, but no matter what comes i will make things work out. of course it would help that you help me with it all too.

i can't promise you forever. you are well aware that promises are no good. but do you know that i love you beyond anything you and i will ever comprehend. many times you have asked me why, and i really don't know. i really don't know. it is not a rational decision. it is not something that can be explained. to be frank sometimes people have asked me why too, and i still don't know. there is no why, you know. there is only this truth that i did and i do and i will love you. that you must keep in mind no matter what happens. whether or not we would be together till the day we die, bear this in mind. because you have to know that this heart of mine would be back to you irregardless. it is something that would always be yours no matter how many slim slender legs perfectly shaped bosoms firm round bottoms flawless pretty faces or even angelic-personality girls. even if they are dumb enough to fall for this lousy man of yours, you shall know that i'm yours.

enough

i fucking had enough. don't you have the basic common sense to be responsible towards others?

when you were enjoying yourself in korea, i waited every night for anything from you. you went missing after the first round of messages, and your pathetically short facebook message. i understand that there wasn't wi-fi anywhere, but you fucking had the phone, how much of the battery charge would u waste just to drop me one short message to tell me to stop waiting?

each time you come late to a date, do you ever realise how disrespectful it is? i made my effort to come on time, and you could be uncontactable for an entire hour. have i not told you many many times, tell me if you are going to be late. is it very difficult to comprehend? you say you were rushing? what fucking bullshit is that? do you not have ten seconds on the bus, on the train, while waiting for the transport, on the escalator, to send just one short message to save me from waiting like an idiot?

when you go out with your friends or cousins or whoever, i don't expect you to keep messaging me or what. i have told you a million fucking time. if up till now you still have this misconception then i doubt that you have actually ever listened to me. to listen, not to hear. but is it not common sense that if you have spent the whole fucking day with them, then do me a little favour and entertain me when i call to just talk to you for a few minutes? is that too fucking much to ask for? is that? it is not that i am jealous of them, your friends or cousins, you can well go spend the fucking rest of your every day with them, but please can't you be there when i want to talk to you for a while?

why am i always the last to find out? whether you're going out with your beloved friends or dear cousins, do i have to see it from facebook before you decide to tell me, when i have already planned my 48 hours worth of free time per week to accompany you. is my time not as precious as yours?

you say that i lose my temper at you. it is true, i am wrong for that. but then can you understand my frustration at your insensitivity? breaking up is not the solution, just the easy way out. i am sorry that i blurted it out in anger. i know that it is no good saying sorry only after each time i do something wrong. am i having overtly high expectations, or just that you don't have the minimal expectation for self conduct? i am writing nonsense now. i am in the wrong. i should not try to change you.

2010 resolutions

1. cut down on smoking. light up only when necessary
2. start saving. maintain $500 bank balance, by april. minimum $1000 by end of year
3. get driving license by end of year
4. find extra income if possible. begin plans for online business by march
5. listen more, speak less. always think before speaking
6. do one good deed each day
7. tidy and maintain my room at least once every two weeks
8. keep a healthy diet. minimum binge drinking, junk food. more greens, fruits, plain water

that's all for now. may edit this when i think of more.

useless

anger and all the forms of rage are engulfing me. vengeance is all that is filling my mind at this time. when fate befalls him, he would no longer see the light of day. he would not hear the sounds of our world. nor be able to speak his vile words. his filthy hands would not touch. his legs would not walk this earth. and his seeds would never be spread.

i don't know. my head hurts. feels like it is imploding because of the throbbing at the sides. but inside it feels like it is going to blow up anytime.

two months

i have not been here for three months plus. so many things happened. no way that i'm going to list down everything. this is not a place for stories. but, anyway, all that has happened just led to me becoming better and ultimately happier.

come to think of it, i never thought i would fall in love again. not within these two years at least. yet things changed. and i am thankful for it. and i can't be the best and most deserving one to love you, but these i will try my hardest to always do; to give you my best love, and to be always improving further. we will have our lapses, moments of uncertainties, frustrations, maybe even anger. i can only promise to do my very best. if ever i slipped, or you feel that i have crossed the line, please don't shut me out right away. think of what we had, what we have, and what we will have; think of who we were, and who we are now, and how far we have come to change for the better. that would be all i ask for.

the new year asks for another round of new year aspirations. i will write them later when i feel like it.

name

now i'm randy. and it means 'horny' in british slang. how cool is that.

bad

sometimes i really can't tell who i really am. i try to be the nice person. but the ugly tail keeps showing. and i suspect it could be the real me underneath the mantle. in all my twenty years of life i was a good mommy's boy. but it's too bad that i have some decaying morals.

and it sucks when you have to play by others' rules. why is it that i have to keep people around me happy and all, when they don't give a shit about how i feel? how many of my friends are really friends? or am i just another person for them to make use of? then kick me aside when they're done.

it feels good when you drown yourself out. then you're numb and can't feel a thing. no pain, no tire, no worries. even when the whole world hates you, you don't have to care. but that is so pathetic. i guess that's why some people would then breakdown and cry. when they realise how fucked up their lives are.

and i just realised i'm quite fucked up too. my life is so empty. it might have been slightly better if at least my wallet isn't so empty as well.

bad mood

i used to think that i am in control. but i am not. i bottle up the stuff i want to say and the frustrations i feel each day, and it feels so awful inside like it's going to explode.

it is very sickening to be where i am. treated as inferior to the others, watched as i take each and every step. maybe everyone else is in such shit too. maybe that's why the world is ill, and its people sick.

seriously i've had fucking enough. next time anyone else messes with me he'll get one warning and if he speaks one word more he can taste some knuckles.

future

along the way i think i have lost my direction. i was never the kind who had a plan. i survived thus far without ever stopping to think over what i really want. even when i tried, it was more of a master plan of life that i am expected to live. but is that really what i wish for myself? it's hard to say now.

i once thought that i would plough through school, earn a degree and maybe a girlfriend at the same time, then secure an office job, get married by thirty years old, have two sons, blah blah. so typical. would it happen? it's difficult to imagine. now i can't even know for sure whether my tertiery education would work out. i mean, it is good enough for me, but is it good enough for the others? it's so hard to live with all these expectations. i've written something similar to this before. yet until now, i have not learnt how to live with it. shame on me.

reboot

i think this is the second time that i'm deleting all the posts and starting anew.

somewhere along the way, this blog has lost its meaning. a blog should be like a diary. no obligations to write anything, nor any restrictions. day to day life already has too much of these.